November 24th, 2020 was the absolute worst day of my life. I’ve always tried to mentally prepare myself for the day I’d lose my Father. I think the thought of losing those closest to us crosses everyone’s mind at some point. Well, guess what? There is NO preparing. Grief hits you like a ton of bricks, deep down to your core, within every fiber of your being. I compare it to a tornado that rips through your heart and soul.

A piece of me died that day and I write about my experience to help others that may still be stuck in it… because the truth is that grief never ends. It is a lifetime thing. It morphs and evolves, it’s messy and complex, it’s suffocating and isolating; but above all, it is the price of unconditional love.

It was two days before Thanksgiving and I was away for the first time internationally (during 2020 covid times) with childhood friends in St. Maarten. Ironically there was a rainbow that morning overlooking the endless sea from our villa’s terrace. Parents do not normally call you at 7:34a. My Mom did. I will never forget that call. That feeling. I felt my breath leave every organ. I felt my legs shake as I fell to the floor. I think I felt my heart stop. Those who have experienced know what I’m talking about and you are not alone. IT’S INTENSE.

I got dealt the tragedy card in life. He had a stroke and died instantly, ironically a death he always said he wanted for himself. They say there are 7 stages of grief. Please know, they are not a straight line and they do not all happen in the same order.

Shock and Denial were big in the early days. All of a sudden you are living in this surrealistic nightmare that is your reality - it’s an incredibly bizarre and complex concept. I’d catch myself going into a state of shock or a daze mid conversation often. This hurts to your core - I took time to sit with each emotion (granted, I drank a lot of wine - we were all WFH during this stage) - I think my vertigo happened from the shock (got vertigo 6 months later - thankfully PT fixed this with the Epley maneuver)
Pain and Guilt. I honestly did not have any guilt as I never left anything unsaid to my Father - he is the love of my life and we talked about everything under the sun - we will always wish we had more time in life and my biggest piece of advice if you’re going through something like this, never leave anything unsaid. The pain is intense. I still feel the pain if I dig really deep for it
Anger and Bargaining. I live my life with a very Positive Mental Attitude (aka PMA) so this stage hits me a bit differently - my gpa and dad would always say, ‘when the train stops and it’s your turn to get off, it’s time’ - perhaps a metaphor that has always sat with me. This stage hits me more around the grief dynamics the exist within the family after this type of experience. No one talks about that part. It’s real and I’m not sure if it ever really ends… 4 years just passed and the grief dynamics surrounding different levels of anger are still there
Depression. That first year sucks. You are so damn sad. An unimaginable level of sadness. The first Fathers Day is the worst. His first birthday. The seasons changing for the first time. You realize in this stage that time continues to move forward even though your time has stopped. You see who is there for you and who isn’t during this time. That part sucks too. This takes time to process and it’s ok to not be ok. One day at a time. There’s no rule book. Let yourself feel every emotion and grieve however you need to
The Upward Turn. I got certified in yoga that following winter. Spent a lot of time with my closest friends. Leaned on those who have been through it. Started traveling solo. Hiking spiritual mountains and destinations. Visiting random churches in different cities. Seeing life in a different perspective. Time is truly your most valuable asset
Acceptance. Listen, I wouldn’t wish this type of intense grief upon my biggest enemy but unfortunately, we will all experience this. I just happened to experience it quite early in life (I was 32 when I lost him). Most importantly, Poppa is all around me. He visits me in my dreams, sends me signs and continues to be my guiding light in this life. I am spiritually connected to him as he is all around me. He is my hero and I am forever grateful to that man

They say time heals all things. I don’t know if that is necessarily true as it does not ‘get better’ with time. You just learn how to live a new life with them no longer here… mostly because you have no choice to be honest.

I connect often with people on my travels that have lost someone as close to them as mine was with me. Perhaps they are sent my way for a reason. Perhaps a coincidence. I find comfort in these experiences as it reminds me I am not alone. While it’s the saddest club in the whole wide world, the ones who are in it are in it together. It’s a level of empathy unmatched to anything I’ve ever witnessed.

Sending love to all those going through grief and/or a difficulty time. You are not alone.

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